OLD BOY

 Introduction

My name is Qamuuqin Lowell Gene Stanton Maxwell. Those last four names sound pretty normal—easy even, but the first one? It’s a bit of an oddity . . . isn’t it? Let’s see, would that be pronounced “ka-moo-kin?” Or how about “Qwam-ah-ken.” Maybe it’s “Kwa-mew-quinn.” Tough call, I know, but as it turns out it’s closer to the first pronunciation, though even that’s not quite right. One of my aunts once tried to teach me how to correctly pronounce it and although I still wasn’t able to do it was neat to hear it said the way it’s meant to be said. If spoken correctly, it doesn’t sound like a name or like a word at all, it’s more guttural . . . or throatal. More a sound or a noise—than a “word.” So if Qamuuqin is a mouthful for you to say, don’t worry, I can’t pronounce it correctly myself and it’s my name! I don’t go by it Qamuuqin, though, I prefer a shorter and more accessible version: Muuqi—say, “moo-key”. Simple! Now, let us begin again . . .

My name is Muuqi. Muuqi is short for Qamuuqin, which was my great-grandfather’s name on my father’s side. Virgil (my father) is 100% Inupiaq, while my mother is a mix of Scottish, Czech, and Dutch heritage. My ‘real’ first name usually strikes people as unique or exotic, but I actually identify more with one of my middle names and with my last name. Gene, one of my middle names, was given to me in honor of my grandfather, Eugene—or Gramps, as I called him. Gramps was named after Eugene Debs and although he respected the man for whom he was named, he always favored the name Gene. It’s a shorter and neater version of Eugene and so it was given to me. At times I have considered using it as my legal name or, perhaps, a pen name, should I ever need one. Gene is also my mom’s name, though she spells it Jean.

My last name, Maxwell, is her name too, and I like that. A lot of people in our society assume that children will take their father’s last name, but I like the name Maxwell. When I hear it I envision my mom—Jeanie to her father, Dr. Maxwell to her students, but always just “mom” to me. I also connect the name Maxwell with Gramps; I think of how Eugene Maxwell would always keep at something until it was complete, of his respect for hard work and manual labor, of his selflessness. I like the name Maxwell: it has a storied history. But most people get hung up at my first name and don’t hear or know the rest.

Muuqi, the shortened version of my name, was born into being by my sister who was unable to pronounce Qamuuqin when she was little. She went ahead and simplified it into something that would eventually become Muuqi, which stuck and is now how I identify. I’m Muuqi. I don’t really think of myself as “Qamuuqin,” that is the name of my Eskimo great-grandfather, a man whom I never met and know little about; it is a name that my sister was unable to pronounce when she was a toddler and that I still can’t pronounce today. Certain people have chosen to address me as Qamuuqin throughout my life, sometimes asking permission and sometimes not, sometimes shortening it to “Q.” But to myself I’ll always be Muuqi.

Interestingly, many people are able relate to the name “moo-key” quite well, as it seems as though there are quite a few pets in the world that go by that moniker. It also just so happens that “Mooky,” or “Mookie,” is a common nickname for people, according, at least, to the two-dozen or so people who have commented on my name with a story of their own. This often happens at a coffee shop or restaurant, any place where I have to give my name in public.

I never know what to do in this situation: on the one hand they are just asking for my name . . . they need it, usually, to call out when my food or drink is done. But also it is assumed that most people have easy names that are easy to spell and easy to pronounce while mine is not. So why can’t they just give me a number that they’ll call out and save both of us the trouble? Aren’t people in our society used to being categorized as a number? The idea that I have to give them a name—my name—is frustrating sometimes. I just want my order; I don’t always want to repeat myself and then explain my name with a story.

What’s the name for the order? Pausing awkwardly, I’ll offer it up to them: Muuqi. I’m sorry? Muuqi . . . my name is Muuqi (by this point I am usually over pronouncing it so that they don’t think it’s Cookie or Milky, or something else like that). Oh, what a unique name, they’ll exclaim, I know someone who goes by “Mookie,” too! I smile. It’s a nickname, right? How funny that you go by a nickname! Smile, nod. So . . . what is your real name? Smiling, I’ll sign my receipt, not answering the question. Then they see how I spell it: Muuqi—as opposed to something that rhymes with cookie. Ooh! You spell it so interestingly! Yeah . . . (head nod). Wow . . . um, that’s not what I had pictured. I watch as they try to make sense of it, the gears in their head turning, silently pronouncing the name to themselves. How can a word with so many u’s—and a q that has no u after it!— be pronounced so? Inevitably this transaction leads to a rushed but lengthy account of how my name came to be spelled that way. But then comes my favorite part: upon learning that Muuqi is a shortened version of an “Eskimo” name, most people then proceed to correct me: they inform me of the ‘proper’ term for such people—Inuit, Athabascan, Tlingit, Alaskan Native, etc. Any ‘actual’ term that may come to their mind . . . because “Eskimo” is, like, derogatory, right?

Sometimes I dread meeting people for fear I’ll have to jump through the same old hoops again, tell my story, be corrected. Sometimes I wish that my name wasn’t so memorable, that it was Gene like my grandfather and my mother, the two people whom I respect most in the world. In my life. Sometimes I make up names to tell people when I’m asked for mine: Max or Raul, Lindsay or Ashley (those can be guys names—look them up), Cesar or Clyde. Odd (isn’t it?) that the names I make up for myself are sort of . . . odd, just like my own?

No matter what, though, I try to remind myself that I enjoy hearing people’s stories, and that usually I learn something interesting from them. After all, our story is one of the only things in this world that is ours first and foremost and is ours for the entirety of our lives. Stories create the substance of this experience, of life as we know it; they are how we learn, how we relate to things, and how we validate our own experiences. Stories bring reality to life and allow us to see it through a specific lens. Without stories we would have a history with no real lessons learned or values imbued. I have my own story and it is influenced and shaped by the stories of others—namely Gramps. Gramps taught me more by just being himself than I could ever possibly learn in a classroom. His story is an amazing one and I’m glad that I was able to be there for a part of it, to share a part of it. Stories are best if they are shared.

 

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“TELL ME A STORY”

 Tell me a story.
In this century, and moment, of mania,
Tell me a story.

Make it a story of great distances, and starlight.

The name of the story shall be Time,
But you must not pronounce its name.

Tell me a story of deep delight.

—Robert Penn Warren

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FORESTS OF LIGHT

There’s a place to go, to walk and to think; a place to remember, to dream and to be; there’s a place to go where old friends dwell, where flowers bloom and family is well.
And in through this place a path does wind, making loops upon loops. Dancing beneath the trees. The trees of this forest, a forest made of light, are green, are full, are fragrant and still.

And the trees, they rest peacefully under a watery sky,
a sky full of waters that giggle and sigh;
And the waters lap playfully at the stars and their moon,
shining and sparkling and playing a tune;
And memories do swim in the waters above,
do swim with the stars on the wings of a dove;
And deep in the sea I meet you and laugh,
for you are as you were, though so long has passed;
Your whistle, your smile, that look in your eyes,
we meet in the grass and together we rise;
And we rise to the trees and we play ‘mongst the leaves,
and you tell me your story, and all that you’ve seen;
For outside of the forest our time spent was brief,
and here we can sit, can talk, can just breathe;
And we speak of the world, of a hug from a friend
of crickets at twilight, and why it all ends,
But end yet it will, an inevitable truth,
everything ends, of which you are proof;
For in this forest, yes you dwell, as long as do I,
you dwell as you were, as you were when alive;
And the world, it exists for moments like these,
when I remember your hair and that scent and a breeze;
And the world, it exists, exists in forests of light,
where always it’s day and it’s dawn and it’s night;
Where the sigh of a moment has sprung from a tree,
where lovers, and friends, and family will be,
And they swing from the limbs and the forests do echo
and little dreams play by the pond in the meadow;
But that path that does curl ’round the base of the tree,
is waving and singing, and beckoning me;
And though my heart has found stillness in this memory glade,
from the path and my trek I cannot abstain;
So on yet I carry, toward here and toward there,
with flowers from the forest safely tucked in my hair.

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I LOVE DEW

Without you the night grows large and hungry,
hungry enough to consume me, while its twinkly eyes burn into mine.
Twinkly eyes of the past.

I look in those eyes and laugh, smile and dance:

For in the past there was you,

And in the past there was us,

And in the past there was a candle
whose flame burned so steady, all through the night

—Just to warm us again in the morning.

I look into the night and fall into you

Like dew falls in the forest,

Silently,

Again and again.

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(untitled)

I walk a path of many steps,
Of many days and nights,
The path, it winds through crowded streets,
And forests made of light;
And o’er this path come many friends,
Their paths the same as mine,
And our steps do fall like summer rain,
If only for a time.

This path continues out of view,
Over mountains yet to climb,
Past walking friends on paths their own,
Whose paths will end, like mine;
But end’s not here, and what a day!
No place I’d rather be,
The sun so bright, the rain and snow,
The world, and you, and me.

My path leads me to silent places,
And places me in silence,
It leads me out into the world,
And offers silent guidance;
For these paths we find our feet upon,
Are like a river, flowing,
And we, like them, are ever moving,
Learning, listening, growing.

This journey started long ago,
I cannot remember when,
Yet here I am, a traveler now,
and that I’ve always been;
I travel always, I suppose,
My feet will always fly,
And my heart grows heavy with sad joy,
As the world is passing by.

Passing trees and passing hills,
And the stars will wheel above,
And the waters walked are sometimes smooth,
And smoothness turns to rough;
The clouds, the windows, the two at once,
A smile upon your face,
The beauty of all along the way,
In this I find my faith.

This path I walk is all I know,
And there is no turning back,
We walk on wings of hopes and dreams,
And forward just, those flap;
So on we fly, through streams of life,
Toward distant seas, and then,
When all has passed, all courses ran,

We’ll be together again.

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WHAT A TIME

tick. and tock. and ticking and tocking,
your clock is not mine
though neither is stopping;
and the ticking and tocking,
rising up from the ground;
and ticking and tocking,
the rain coming down.

you come and we go and
between there and now?

we choose here and then.

again and again.
and again.
and again.
and then it was now, all over again.
why can’t now it be then? when so little we knew . . .
so little, so little.
now it’s so little again.

time and its thoughts are
daisies on the hill
with the blades of the grasses, the scents, and a dream:
of grass under skies, of skies gold and white;
a time spent amongst clouds.
and the rain, and the sun.
and storm? how it used to,
it would rain as it shone!
so fierce, yes, so fierce, so fierce and unknown.
our youth, though, would dance, would dance, so, and roll
and run and then laugh,

and live, yes,
and live.

and we sat lazily by as we idled our time
and we watched from the hill,
and we watched and we watched,
we watched contentment off playing;
off playing among green,
playing among white,
playing among dreams

among dreams that were floating,
were floating so green.

Green like the sun,
like your sun on my face;
like your wind on my skin and your leaves falling ’round;
a song in my ear and your face on my mind,
wondering if you still remember that time:

that time of when two, the same for a time,
could beat yet as one, with just some more time.

But time was off playing, off playing with time;
a time of the sun and a kiss on the neck,
a time of our dreams, of our smiles, our fun.
In our time we drew trees
with small wooden swings,
for our thoughts
and our memories
and things that could be.

Could be frozen in time, while the clouds play again,
while a mother stands tall, and watches and waits.
while little dreams are off playing, off out in the field.
and the green, gold and white,
and the skies made of clay,
just dancing like owls, like shimmering grasses;
like shimmering grasses, just frozen in time.
A time that will change, will blossom and fall;
a time that was then and, here, is again;
a time that exists, exists in my dreams.
dreams of a time, a time filled with dreams.

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Take me home . . .

it’s strange, yes, the wind, and how it does whisper.
Did I hear something—no . . . just leaves blowing sound.
the sound can be silence; a loud sort of silence
a loud sortie of silence, in a lazy loud town.

like swimming in place, the breezes keep blowing.
the breezes keep blowing and the current remains.
a gently old breeze, a tickle, a creak.
a babbling old gust and a path made of stones.

Winter has come! Take care when you go!
. . . for the current is strong, but currently still.

dive in head first! head full of rocks!
head for the current, for what is ahead!
but where does it head . . ?
and what is a head?
take care, for these questions can come to a head . . .

Wind! Yes,

oh wind, how you rustle my feathers.

Rustle my feathers and then:
take me home.

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RACCOONS!

Crickets whisper notes as light as the moon, whose autumnal gaze drips through the clouds; a sky made of stories, a sky made of lives, a sky that seems made to be held in the mind. Off in the distance a siren cries out, the sound weeping notes that splash at my feet. Silent light screams through the windows of buildings, buildings that sleep while we’re all in them building. Bodies are shuffling and plodding around, stopping and sniffing and looking at me. Their coats are so similar, their frightened eyes dance, their step is unsure but it carries them on. This campus, so bright in the daylight and brimming with souls, is theirs for the taking when darkness unfolds. As the music of crickets becomes a new silence, raccoons throughout campus shuffle and plod. They are out in the night and a part of the dark, the dark that I sit in to soak up the night. Off they will scatter out into the night, off of the grass and into a tree, their paws making noises that too become silence. On goes my light—and back on my bike—I look back behind me and they’ve all disappeared. As will I.

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“Remember what Bilbo used to say . . .”

“It’s a dangerous business . . . going out your door. You (ride) onto the road, and if you don’t keep your (wheels), there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
And so it is, and yet the road beckons; and so you go.
Not entirely sure of where you are going, but entirely sure that you are going somewhere.
The wind gusts behind you; the breezes blow across your face. The sun shines.
As the horizon stretches out in front of you, and as your legs feel the freedom of freedom, the world rushes over to greet you, and your life introduces itself to you. Again.

 

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